Post Baby Weight and Post Partum

With my brother at his wedding, 2 monhts before
I flew out to get Janaa.

I have always played ball, worked out, been cautious of what I ate...Terrified of weight!  I always assumed I would have kids and figure out how to get the weight off quickly.  When we started Janaa's adoption our first purchase was a Schwinn jogging stroller.  The last summer before she came home I had my niece and it was great practice!  Bottle first thing, strap her in for a jog, she slept on the ride, and nap time covered too.  It was perfect. I thought I had it all worked out because even on the morning I didn't get a run in...There was always an afternoon nap.

I assumed any weight I did gain would be short-term and due to adjusting to our new lives.  How little did I know!

I didn't really know people who had adopted.  (I did, but it was never spoken of.) I don't have the words to express my thoughts for fear of hurting someone or appearing to be judging. I am in no way doing that. We each have our own journey, and often we find others who have a similar story.  I didn't know others with a similar story to ours. There were few books written on family who chose to adopt and the daily life struggles they had. Even the internet offered little support.

All this to say, I didn't think much about baby weight or post-partum depression.  Those were "different" struggles that moms who adopted did not have.  Again! Was I in for a shock.

We were detained in Thailand an week longer than expected.  Issues came up with the American government as to Janaa's status as an "adoptable" child.  We were told, with Janaa sitting in my lap, that we could not adopt Janaa.  This sent us into an emotional state that I have never experience before or since. That is one of those moments that is hidden in my heart that words will never express.  The next week was spent locating her birth mother a couple of times, getting paper re-signed a couple of times, extra trips throughout the country and exhaustion at a new level.  At one point Brent was looking for a job in Thailand because we had decided that we would move and take care of her before leaving her.

When arriving home, I don't remember much about the first couple of weeks.  I remember laying on the sofa so sick I couldn't get up at times during the first week.  I remember feeling intense guilt for not taking care of Janaa and sadness missing out on more of her life. (My sadness was mixed with joy though.  My parents, brother and sister-in-law were with me about anytime Brent was at work that first week.  I loved seeing their sweet new love for each other.)  I went back to work immediately, which sucked what little life I had out of me. For about 2 months I couldn't keep any food in my system. Apparently the stress has taken its tole on my digestive system.  I lost about 25 pounds.  At one point I was just under 110 pounds.  Then it hit! I could finally eat and it was amazing!  I still watched what I ate and worked out, but my body has never been the same since. I gained my 25 pounds back then a few more and canNOT get those dern things off.

I, also, began to realized that though it wouldn't be called "post-partum", I was experiencing many of the same symptoms.  In psychology we talk about emotional highs and lows.  After any kind of exciting life event there is often an emotional low. Basically, your body produces lots of extra "feel good" chemicals during these events and then is slows down the production after the events leaving a person feeling sad, depressed or emotionally empty.  I would love to have known my chemical levels the last week and a half we were in Thailand because I bet there was a pretty intense drop once we got home.

I know that I have several friends on this journey with similar stories to ours.  I overlooked these things for a couple of years before I began to grasp what was going on. No one around me had been in my shoes. Though people cared I would never have shared the struggle because, OF COURSE! I didn't HAVE a baby so I shouldn't HAVE those struggles.  Know that they may come. Know that they may not.  But, remember that while your journey is different it is the road that all mommies take...loving their child selflessly...even if it means a few more pounds.  Those pounds are priceless!