These papers weren't just any papers. You see, she had already signed papers for Janaa to placed up for adoption. She had done so TWICE almost 4 years earlier. She should never have had to sign these papers again. However, this time she had just re-signed 4 days earlier and those papers were not accepted so this last time she was required to write a paragraph in her own handwriting as to her decision to place Janaa.
Too often birth moms get bad wraps for their "decisions". First, a sinner is a sinner. None of us are better than the next. When you're going through an adoption it is easy to over-read people's experiences. I realized early on that I would love for Janaa to know her tummy mommy. It appeared that most children who knew their "whole" story were able to put their life together in a healthy manor.
But, for this to happen there was great loss. Loss of a daughter, loss of a mom, loss of ever knowing a father. The forever family generally has lost parts of their child's life. The sweetest gift was our meeting that day. Janaa has a very similar spirit of her birth mom. She is sweet and kind. She is tender and loving. I have only spent a few hours total with her on 2 different occasions, but there is no question that Janaa is loved beyond words.
Until Janaa, I had always thought of adoption as what birthmom's did if they had no way to feed or care for their child or if they were just really heart-less. How ignorant I was! I often wish I could remove that thought from ever being in my mind. The reality is that many birth moms could provide for their kids, their necessities and even be loving mothers. However, their love is so great that they want more for their child than they can give as a single and sometimes young mother.
I have read several accounts of precious birth mothers and how the Lord has used their adoption to change their life. Most of these precious moms are quite contrary to what my concept was. They love with a love that I struggle to understand. They love with a love that placed part of their heart with another for the good of their child. I can't imagine that pain, especially at the beginning when the separation is new.
Having what we had with Janaa is nothing short of a miracle, almost unheard of! I'm already wandering what the chances are that I will be able to collect any information for Caleb. If not, which is most likely, I am praying that the Lord will provide the right words to answer the "unknowns" for him one day. God gives more grace when the burden is greater, but it's hard not being able to tell your child answers to gaps in their life.
The thought of another also having the name or roll as "mom" was concerning for me at first. I have learned that a child can't be over-loved. While God's plan was never for broken families He redeems all things to Himself. We are a broken people loved perfectly by our gracious Heavenly Father. I pray He will mold me into a mother that reflects His love and grace to my children as He has done for me.
.JPG)