This January we find ourselves in a place we hadn't expected at this point in our lives. We had hoped to adopt internationally once more before growing our family locally. Largely, because it's easier to adopt internationally the fewer children you have in your home. God seems to have a different plan. This week I have been reviewing our licenses for foster and adoption in NC.
It is difficult to explain what paperwork, waiting, hoping, disappointment, loss, waiting, scrutiny, endless questions, finger prints, background checks, etc. can do to you emotionally. I imagine that it is similar to pregnancy hormones. Yes, I have lost it with the lady at the courthouse over fingerprints, complete with tears. My poor husband walked me out as he looked over his shoulder and told the lady, "We'll be back at 1:00." I'm sure she was looking forward to it.
I have cried over paperwork...ANOTHER set of finger prints?! We're on the Federal grid already (3 sets to be exact) can't those be shared? You need how many finger prints for the exact same sheet of paper? 2?! It's the same machine. Same paper. Same day. Same time. Same person. Same fingers. You must be joking!
I don't know why, but it can be hard to constantly need papers of different types to prove you are a fit parent. I am beginning to feel terrible asking people for references....Can't I just make a data base of all necessary documents? Oh, No...right. That exact same piece of paper, going to the same government office that has already approved us, needs to have a different agency name on top of the page... I get it! Oh, No...I don't.
However, through this I am learning. I am learning to lean. Not something I'm good at...the same goes for crying and tears. They scare me, generally. Maybe, I'll blog about that one day. :) I don't like to need people, most of us don't. But, God has been painfully showing me that I need Him in ways I never understood before. I need His grace, daily grace that has already forgiven my frustration and lack of trust. I need those around me... because some days you have to drive to your friend's house for a hug...or go on long drives complete with conversation into the wee hours of the morning with your forever friend. More than anything this has been a hard, but good road for Brent and I together. We have had to do much preparation in our hearts with the Lord. Conversation with Janaa has been amazing. The next year could be C-R-A-Z-Y for our family and Janaa especially.
As one who always loves a challenge I'm pretty excited. The hardest part with fostering to adopt is that it seems much more unpredictable. (I have no real clue about this seeing as I've never done this before.) I do love my "To Do" list and planning, but I have a feeling they may be useless for advanced prep. I guess that just makes it an even better challenge.
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| Trying a lobster leg for Christmas dinner. |
We have been blessed. We like the agency we are working with and really like our social worker. Having a great social working makes the most amazing difference, especially domestically when you will see and interact with them quite often. We have friends and family who have given us clothes, cribs, listening ears, praying hearts, words of encouragement and time together as a couple to get things done. This whole process is giving me a glimpse of The Body functioning well.
I don't talk about it much. Often I don't know what to say or how to say it. Other times, I'm just tired and don't have answers. But, our God is good. And, for some reason I can write what I cannot say.
Please continue to pray that God will prepare our hearts for the child or children that He will be placing in our home. Pray that Janaa's heart will be open for the changes it will mean for her. Pray that God will give us the grace to love well, to love as He loves us.
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| This, my amazing girl has taught me more of God's unconditional love than I ever thought possible. She has been the greatest joy to raise and share life with. |
